The Power Of "No" and How To Keep Your Balance


Most of us find this to be the hardest word to utter. No, I won’t stay late at work and let my family down by not keeping my promise to come home on time, no, I won’t let that person treat me in a way that makes me feel bad just to keep the peace, no, I won’t compromise my values. We think that it is hard to say yes when someone asks something of us, but I feel that smaller word “no” can be even harder still. We all want to feel accepted and loved and deciding to give to ourselves can be very difficult if it means disagreeing with someone who you want approval from. Whether it is your boss, your parent or your partner, saying no can be hard.

The thing that is happening when we struggle with this is that we are striving to achieve balance. A balance between your needs and the needs of others. Yes it is admiral to help others when they are in need but when it comes at the expense of compromising your own values it is actually a destructive act to say yes. Being the martyr can be very damaging for your health on all levels. If you continually dishonour your own inner wisdom and give your power away by doing things to please others rather than attending to your own needs, you run the risk of your inner wisdom getting very stern with you. If you don’t listen to that voice within, the messages will get louder and louder.

Stubbing your toe can be a message to slow down. Getting a sore throat is a message that you are not speaking your truth to someone. The list goes on and on and the physical messages get more and more painful if you don’t listen to the small taps on the shoulder. You may medicate it away but your inner wisdom will never give up on you and will create another way to get your attention to show you that you need to make different choices to live your best life. For a great list on physical symptoms and their message see the classic by Louise Hay – You Can Heal your Life.

There is a place within you, your spirit/inner knowing/conscience/connection to God/higher self/soul, call it what you will, that knows what is best for you. It is that small voice that guides you to make the wise choices in your life. You are constantly being given messages and the more we ignore the messages the louder they get and the more they appear in different forms. If may appear as a feeling, “ Hmm maybe it is best to go home a different way today” however, you mind may override the message. Your response could be “but that doesn’t make sense”. Your mind works from reason and ego whereas your heart works from feelings, which are your connection to that place within that guides you toward things that are in your best interest. Have you ever had a thought strike you, “ I just might get takeaway tonight and surprise her” , only to arrive home and your partner has had a rotten day and is thrilled you were so “in tune” that you knew that was a great idea? Or have you just had a thought strike you, “ I think I will just call....", only to have the person say, "wow I was just thinking about you”. These are the times when you are listening to your inner guidance. The more you listen and take action on the guidance from within, the better you life will be. I learnt to listen to my inner guidance at a very early age but getting me to act on that guidance was another challenge altogether.

It also becomes tricky when your inner guidance says it is better to say no to someone when they want you to say yes. These can be big defining moments in your life. "No I can’t work late this time," may not be a big deal but "no I won’t allow you to speak to me that way anymore" to a 82 year old mother may be a huge step in your own personal development. No, can mean that you are stepping up and honoring your spirit. No, can mean that you are brave enough to stand up for someone, be it yourself or someone else. No, means you are setting boundaries and drawing that line in the sand that says, “it stops here”. There is great courage in that. Particularly if your personality is to be a rescuer, or a soother, or someone with low self esteem or even a martyr. It can be a big step to say no to someone.

Of course like anything, it needs to be done with balance. Just as saying yes to everyone will have you trying to please everyone and more often than not you end up not pleasing anyone; saying no can be confronting. Saying no all the time may result in as much pain as always saying yes. The thing with no, is that if you have been a yes person for a long time and you change to even the occasional no, you may very well find resistance and annoyance from the people who have been used to hearing yes from you. Don’t be overwhelmed, it may take some practice for you to feel comfortable in determining when a yes and when a no is appropriate. My guess is when you find that balance you will be a much happier and more successful person. You will be doing more of the things that uplift you and the happier you will be rather than being a worn out frazzled, resentful person that has been trying to please others and leaving your own inner space dry and lacking in nourishment.

Try this exercise.

• List 5 things where you would have rather said no to in the last week when what you actually said was yes.

• Identify which of these if you had your time over you would have felt the most comfortable saying no to

• Write down different ways of saying no.

EG
You know (insert persons name) I would love to help you with that but if I do, I won’t be able to do(insert task or tasks) so I’m sorry I can’t help you with that.
You know (insert name) I’ve been meaning to tell you that when you Say/do (insert offensive words or actions) to me I really don’t like it, do you mind not doing/saying that from now on? I really can’t do that today; maybe next time I can help you out.

• Say no to something over the next week that you would normally have said yes to but really wanted to say no to.

If you are saying no to people who have been used to hearing you say yes all the time, you may want to start gently. Explain why you can’t do what they want or why you are asking them to stop doing what has been hurting, annoying, or upsetting you. If you feel an explanation would fall on deaf ears, try the gentle but firm, “ no I’m sorry I can’t” and leave it at that. All boundaries can be difficult to put in place with people if they are not used to having to deal with boundaries. After some time though, people get used to the new patterns of behaviour and things settle down.

There may be some negative consequences of your new behaviour but if that happens go with what feels better. You may even go back and forth withdrawing the no and succumbing to a yes until you are comfortable with your new ability to honor your inner wisdom. Just note here that this is an exercise to empower you not to overpower someone else. A "no" can be a kind empowering word and it can also be a cruel and destructive word, choose your use of it carefully. Both yes and no can be helpful, kind and nurturing to your own soul as well as others. It is up to you to learn how to use them wisely for the good of all concerned. Sometimes a yes will actually be disempowering the very person you think you are helping. We all need to respect others and sometimes by you standing up and saying no, you are assisting someone to learn how to be considerate of others.

Good luck with keeping your balance.


Gaynor Parke


2008 © Gaynor Parke Advanced Success Life Coaching
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