The 10 Big Do's and Don'ts In Managing Conflict Resolution


Conflict happens in the best of relationships be they at work or home. It’s how you handle them that will determine the resilience and strength or your relationship. If you have some tools or guidelines regarding how to deal with the conflict, you can reach a resolution without doing damage to the relationship. It can help you understand your partner better and increase communication skills.

It’s never about him not helping around the house or her nagging; it’s always about the feelings behind the issue. She may feel unloved and unappreciated when he doesn’t help around the house and he may be feel trapped and overwhelmed when she nags. On the surface it appears that there are many reasons why people enter into conflict, but one thing is always true, it is not so much the actual action that causes the pain it is the emotion it has triggered that is the true cause of the pain. Actions will appear that represent frustration, lack of self worth, insecurity or any negative feeling emotion. How you express that emotional pain determines how fast a resolution to the problem can be reached and how much you can relieve the stress in the relationship.

We all have different expectations of patterns of behaviour. When these expectations are not met, we feel varying degrees of pain. It will depend on what degree of importance we place on these expectations that will determine the level of pain we feel. Differing expectations of behaviour can lead to misunderstandings and augments and considerable stress in relationships.

The living of life will create your particular beliefs as to what are your acceptable behaviour patterns and not everyone will have exactly the same beliefs. This then opens the way for arguments as to what behaviour is acceptable between the two partners. Consider arguments as an opportunity to clarify the grounds on which you build your relationship.

Recognizing the emotional issue behind the action and taking heed of the do’s and don’ts below will help turn a disagreement into something constructive for your relationship.

Big Dont’s

• Don’t expect the other person to read your mind. As a woman I must confess to being guilty of this when I was first married. “He should know what he did wrong” was my mantra. As much as he may love you he’s not a mind reader. Let the other person know what is going on with you and then you can work on a resolution.

• Don’t just give hints of what you want or expect, be direct and specific. “You should be more helpful” is not specific enough. List the things that have caused you pain and say why. Not taking out the rubbish may seem a silly reason to be upset until you explain the you feel ignored or unimportant when the rubbish is left to pile up and up. You need to identify your pain and give ways of relieving it so the other person can participate in the solution specifically.

• Don’t let painful feelings go unaddressed. They usually build up and it is better to nip them in the bud. Resentment can build on top of a small issue and blow it out of proportion so it is best to speak up when there is a problem.

• Don’t bring up old hurts. Stick to the issue at hand. This is like scratching at an old wound. It can’t get better if you keep bringing it up each time there is an argument. Deal with the issue and then put it to rest.

• Don’t name call as this is not expressing your feelings it is being hurtful in return for being hurt and that will not help you reach a resolve. Ridiculing the other person with name calling will only exacerbate the situation. The object is to reach a solution and inflicting more pain will not do anything to reach that end.


Big Do’s

• Do expect a positive outcome. If we expect a fight that’s what we will get. Expect there will be a positive outcome before you even approach the other person.

• Do remember this isn’t about being right or wrong, it’s about being understood.

• Do be clear in your communication. Talking around the issue will just confuse things. Make a list if that helps to stay on track. Deal with the issue at hand.

• Do remain calm. If you feel your temperature rising and start to find it difficult to remain on issue, excuse yourself and explain you don’t want to say anything you regret and acknowledge that you want to continue the discussion when you have calmed down so you can resolve the issue.

• Do use positive self talk to regain your composure. See a resolution being reached in your mind and see the both of you happy with the outcome. Focusing on the drama and pain will only add fuel to the fire.

• Do return to the issue when you are calm. Leaving it fester and thinking it will just go away is not what will happen. Addressing the issue when you are both in a place to hear one another is the most productive way to approach a problem.

Try as best you can to remember and implement these do’s and don’ts the next time a problem arises and I’m sure the journey to a peaceful outcome with be swifter.


Gaynor Parke
Advanced Success Life Coaching


2008 © Gaynor Parke Success Life Coaching
You’re welcome to redistribute this article but please acknowledge me as the author and include a link to my website. Thank you